Thursday, September 27, 2012
Do you remember your due date? The excitement of leading up to the moment you would be able to meet the wonderful bundle of joy that you had connected with and carried for the last nine months. The overwhelming joy of becoming a mother. The anxiety of how you would manage. The anticipation of bonding together as a family.... The minutes turn to hours; hours to weeks; and weeks to months and finally the time arrives! But, what if that is all taken from you in a moment and you don't get the chance to experience such joy. What if instead of joy all you get is heartache and sorrow filled with days of a broken heart?
Sept 9th 1999... My ultrasound had been scheduled later in the week but I was having some difficulties so the ultrasound technician got me in sooner. I lay on the bed, watching the nurse. Her complex face told me that something was wrong.. I was scared! What could me wrong? Anxiety filled my head.. It was just the night before I started to think of names that we would name the new baby. How I couldn't wait for the boys to meet their new little brother or sister.... But now, in that moment in time I was not experiencing the same emotions. She explained that the heart beat was extremely faint and at times she couldn't hear it. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, my heart beat was beating in my throat. I managed to ask if the baby would be okay.. She instructed me to go up and be on complete bed rest for a week. I was to come back the following week to check the progress of the baby. My thoughts and emotions turned to my boys.. The boys were 4 and 2 how could I mange to be on complete bed rest and take care of the babies I had at home? But, I had to follow orders as I wanted this baby to be healthy. I didn't want to ask any more questions for fear I would be told something I didn't want to hear so I left. I rubbed my belly and prayed over my little bundle of joy. She/He was going to be fine.. I had no complications with my other two pregnancies and they were healthy.
An hour later, I was laying on my couch. My brother-in-law was still there. I couldn't get myself of the couch.. Cramps started and they were intense! The longer it happened the more intense they got. I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, I made a comment in passing my b-i-l that if I had been 9 months pregnant I would assume I was in labor.. As I was in the bathroom the most horrific thing happened to me....... I LOST MY BABY! I was in shock, I didn't want to believe it.. But it was true! I raced to the doctors and ran in frantically with what I had passed in the toilet. They took it from me immediately and had it tested. I had an ultra sound done and I was no longer pregnant. Just like that, it was over. I didn't choose to loose my child but it happened. I had suffered a miscarriage.
During the months of healing, I started battling with depression. At the time I didn't know that. I didn't want to shower, I didn't want to get out of bed.. I did as little as possible with the kids. I ached all over, I was tired.. One day I was laying on the couch and Kirk had come up to me and said he didn't like the sad mommy that he wanted the happy mommy back.. To make matters worse people didn't know how to encourage me. They would mean well but just fan flames to my "anxieties" by saying comments such as
A miscarriage isn't like loosing a REAL baby.........
At least your baby is in heaven........
You can get pregnant again........
I started to believe that I was crazy for being sad over a baby I had never met... What was wrong with me?? A couple of months went by and I had gotten sick. I finally went to the doctor for blood work. The next day they called and said I tested positive for both tests... Excuse me, both test? What exactly was I tested for?? Strep and Pregnancy.... WHAT!!
I was pregnant and didn't know it!! The anticipation, once again, of the arrival of another bundle of joy, to only end 8 weeks later in another miscarriage! What was wrong with me? My hearts' desire was to have a precious daughter.. I longed for a little girl. I had been blessed with not only one boy but two... I wanted to feel complete; to have a girl I could call my daughter. To have a special bond with her that I didn't share with my mother.. But all my hopes and dreams were vanished.. Because I couldn't bear to go through the heartache again.. I had decided I was done and two children would be all that I would or could handle.
In the following weeks I had to visit the doctors on a weekly basis... After 9.5 weeks later something was wrong. The nurse on the phone said I had to go the doctor the following day for an ultra sound. I was so sick of this medical roller coaster! What could possibly be wrong NOW? So the next day I showed up for the scheduled ultra sound... I knew the procedure pretty well. As I lay on the bed waiting for the nurse my mind just raced for answers.. I had so many questions I began to get furious. Why would it take weeks for them to discover something was wrong from the previous miscarriage? As my mind raced with uncertainties the nurse came in... She got right to her job with out delay... She began to talk to me and once again stopped what she was doing to excuse herself to get the doctor. He came in immediately and looked at the ultrasound. I was so nervous and just wanted to know what was going on... The doctor pointed to the screen turn up the volume and allowed me to listen to their astonishing finding..... A HEARTBEAT!! a strong one, I might add... And so the journey to carry my little girl began. I was in a stage of shock. I had no idea that once again I was pregnant much less almost 3 months already. I didn't allow myself to get emotionally attached for a long time, I just couldn't! But on November 13th, 2000 did give birth to a healthy baby girl.. We have all come to love so dearly!!!
Speed this up to the present time.. Some of you may be wondering where this came from? Its' not something I typically share.. But here is my point.
It's weird how the mind works.. I remember the first miscarriage by the day I lost the baby... And I remember the second one by the due date..
Two dates that has carried a dark cloud, of something from the past that has been so dear to my heart.
This year Our families journey led us somewhere completely different and out of our comfort zone. A place where we knew no one, knew nothing about and frankly wondered what it is that we were doing. Along the way have come many, many blessings; in all different shapes, forms, and ways!!
One of the biggest blessings I have received are FRIENDS. My hearts' desire was for us to be surrounded by many who would support us, love us and understand what we were doing. One of these friends in particular honestly has been what the scripture in Ephesians 3:20 talks about when God says "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" I couldn't begin to imagine the importance of this friendship in my life and still have a hard time comrepehending this amazing friendship God has blessed me with...
This year we found out that Mikes' b-day was on the SAME date has her brothers who had passed away. They have the same name, same b-day AND they were the same AGE!!
This year on Sept. 9th we had the honor in witnessing their entire family get baptized
AND this year I learned that their first daughter's b-day is the day my second baby's due date was.....
God does not only think about the big things that happened in life.. HE thinks about the little things as well.. He orchestrates things so beautifully that for years those days held such sentimental value to me, but now after all this time he has replaced them with something far more worth!
I am so thankful that God gives us the desires of our hearts in more ways then we can COUNT!!!