Monday, September 17, 2012


    The other day we were sitting in a Mom's meeting for our Co-op and I had been rejected.  By whom you may ask? By a lil' cute bundle of joy who is no more than 8 MONTHS OLD!! However, the rejection got me thinkin' I used to struggle with rejection and fell into the trap of being a people pleaser. It was a vicious cycle that I do not care to repeat but do find myself slowly slipping into the beginning stages of such. Rejection leaves a person questioning the confidence level and security of the individual.

1. to refuse to accept, acknowledge, use, believe, etc
2. to throw out as useless or worthless; discard
3. to rebuff (a person)
4. (of an organism) to fail to accept (a foreign tissue graft or organ transplant) because of immunological incompatibility
5. something rejected as imperfect, unsatisfactory, or useless

As a little child I had been rejected by two people that should have been important in my life. The choices they made led me to strongholds that I did not realize I had.  I had no idea how it affected me so much.  I struggled with keeping control of any thing in my life including relationships & schedules.  I needed to feel empowered;  but If I didn't I would slip into a state of depression. I hated myself and I hated feeling as if I was rejected. I put up walls to defend the hurt; I didn't want to be effected by my past but I had no peace with my past either. I created this high expectation of how perfect my life would be only to result in failure which would lead to the depression.  Oh how I hurt inside; But to reveal such truth would make me so vulnerable.
 I started going to Celebrate Recovery that our church had held.  I was so nervous to be a part of a group that shared their deepest emotions but something kept pulling me there.  Actually, I felt as if the only thing I suffered from was "having nothing wrong with me syndrome" After all, the pain was deeply rooted. So much, that it took weeks for it to gradually service.  I remember the host of our group praying that Truth be revealed in the hearts' of  the precious daughter's of the KING. How we were LOVED so much by our heavenly father and He LONGED to show us how precious, and beautiful we truly were. How he DESIRED a relationship with US!! I went home that night feeling sick to my stomach.. I knew how much God loved others; but there was no way that deep love would apply to me.  Lies filled my head; such lies as

*I'm not good enough
*If you share a deep love for the father you will only get hurt
*You have to prove your love to your father
*I make the same mistakes over and over-I'm not worthy
*How can a father love me so much

My energy went towards proving to the world that I was the perfect mother, wife, friend anyone could be. I didn't have time to develop true, intimate relationships because I was busy fighting a viscous cycle; a stronghold!
One day I was sitting in the living room... I was reading a book entitled "Making Peace with your Past" at first the book was too much for me.  It expected me to answer questions about myself; that I never took time to do.  But this in particular day I was about to loose the battle.  A battle that was never intended for me to carry... I lost the battle and Laid it at the foot of Jesus that afternoon, and Jesus WON the victory over my STRONGHOLD.. the stronghold of feeling helpless, the stronghold of feeling bitter, anger, resentful... the battle of DEPRESSION... the battle of REJECTION!!  I did not need to feel these things as Christ himself wanted to fill these holes that was in my heart with something greater than anything in this world could fill.  He wanted all of me including my BAGGAGE! We were not meant to feel defeated.  That is a lie that Satan puts in our minds.
I do not need to feel rejected.... I need to feel redeemed!!!!

I'm forgiven because you were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned
I'm alive and well
Your spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again

I'm forgiven because you were forsaken
I'm accepted, you were condemned
I'm alive and well
Your spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be?
That you, my king. would die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
Its my joy to honor you
Amazing love how can it be?
That my king would die for me

Amazing love I know it's true
Its my joy to honor you
In all I do
I honor you

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.  Psalm 34:17-20

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:19

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

1 comment:

  1. He really DOES love you, Shawna!!!!!