Thursday, November 29, 2012
Okay I jumped of the thankfulness bandwagon at day 16.... Instead of playing catch up I've decided to write an update on how I am getting through this moment in my life currently called PAIN!!
During the night I wake up in the middle of the night and cry out; the pain overtakes me
It is agonizing, excruciating and controlling
I grip the side of the mattress, grit my teeth and moan out just to turn my body
During the morning I wait for help, oh how we take for granted jumping out of bed in the morning....My help, whether my husband or son, pulls on me to get me from a laying position, gradually to a sitting position, and then finally to a standing position.. The tears stream down my cheek is it so humiliating especially when my son has to pull me up.. I turn my head I don't want them to see the tears. The pain isn't over yet as I have no feeling in my leg, or no control of it..If I can just get the first step under control I will then be okay to walk
During the day I face many challenges as well.. I position myself to on the couch, it doesn't bring great relief but as long as I don't move I have some relief
During the day I try and focus on school work, the kids, the house, the responsibility of a mother.. but to no prevail my focus is gone
During the pain I wonder how can I be an example, how can I show the Love of God through me.....
As of last night I wasn't doing so well, as much as I have prayed to not slip into the pit of "SELF"... it was inevitable.
The last couple of days I have come to the realization that even though I'm sitting, I was still very distracted. I could be utilizing this time more wisely.. grading papers, studying the Bible, finishing my bible study etc.etc. I just wanted to veg.. I can't keep my focus on anything so I would rather sit and do nothing. Problem with doing nothing is in the quite we can do one of two things: We can isolate ourselves which leads to depression and discouragement (the root of self pity) or we can put into practice the things we know. Okay so let me elaborate on both options
1) Isolating ourselves: This is a huge problem.. It makes a situation seem so much bigger then what we can handle. As we begin to stop doing the things that we successfully do on a daily basis it creates the urgency of feeling overwhelmed.. Once I feel overwhelmed I begin to feel defeated. Once I feel defeated I stop believing in myself and believe the lies that are being told to me and come to except them...
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Romans 8:37
2) Practicing what we know: I actually was reading about being content the other day.. I was reading how Paul was content in all circumstances: he was beaten, falsely accused, thrown in prison, (where he spent a great deal of time there) forgotten, and shipwrecked. Through all of this he still kept his focus on God, boldly preached in his Name and asked for His strength.
It's not about our times of weakness but on Gods strength. See the things we go through isn't about US at all; its about bringing God's name glory in ALL situations.
Two nights ago I laid in bed as thoughts crossed my mind... What was I missing in this lesson? What or why am I not learning from this situation? Why in my brokenness did I not hear God's voice? And why am I so distracted instead of being content? I rustled with these thoughts as I fell asleep (the pain medicine works well in that department)
The next day I slept almost the entire day as the medicine was still working.....
Feeling Frustrated I think that my ONLY choice is either suffer through the pain, or take medicine and sleep the entire time.. I've wasted so much precious time sleeping on these pills!!!
"Why can't I be more like Paul???" I asked my husband yesterday
My husband and I were sitting in the quite of our living room... The kids were off to youth group. I was in amazement of what the children had done for me. They had spent all afternoon pulling out my Christmas decorations and decorating the house, moving furniture around and cleaning up their mess as well!!
The kids have done such a great job... although this hasn't been their first rodeo.. they have picked up the pieces and tried to carry my load to the best of their ability!!
As my husband and I carried on our conversation, tears of sadness filled my eyes.... I want to take care of my husband, I want to take care of my kids, my home, their school... I want so desperately to be an example but I have nothing left to give, I myself, don't understand exactly what is going on... I feel so broken, so worn down.. the pain steels the joy.. the pain eats at you.. it exhausts you....
Then a knock at the door... Friends of ours stop by for a quick cup of coffee and to bring us a slice of pie... after their company...
Another knock at the door.... Another friend I haven't seen in a while, she has brought encouragement..
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
Then in the quite when everyone leaves.... the PEACE hits me... again the tears, but this time... and overwhelming JOY knowing that when I asked God to speak to me... not only did he do it; he did it in a BIG way!!!! He knows I am broken, he knows I am worn, and he also knows what it is like to be in pain... I can't wrap my mind around the pain he endured for ME.... and while not guilty, he went through the most unbearable pain... As he was going through the pain he was not thinking of himself he was thinking of Me, and he was thinking of You!!!!
"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed." 1 Peter 2:24