Warning this blog is completely raw, authentic and transparent!!!!
Its ME being a human being and showing MY STRUGGLE!!! I am not perfect... I make mistakes every day. I fall short more in a day then NOT...... I get FRUSTRATED... I get ANGRY and YES I get ANNOYED!! AND UGHHH... some people really annoy me! I really have to try harder with some and try to remember we are not perfect... I AM NOT PERFECT.. I struggle with understanding where others are coming from. I have always struggled with two faced people and Yet we are called to love them... I have always struggled with people who MANIPULATE situations (I was a queen at that a few years ago) Its so easy to look in the face of others and their sin; than to focus on YOUR OWN sin!! Questions rage all through my head. I fight to hold on and find the truth. I want to be the example but sometimes I just need an example.... IT truly stinks when you are the topic of mockery due to a situation you had no control over. Its unsaid, and maybe unseen to others but to constantly walk around a situation because you feel you have done all you can but to be thrown back into it by someone Else's choices, or actions really is frustrating. Maybe I'm so irritated because its just not one person... One situation makes me think of all the other situations I've tried to 'turn the other cheek to' so then my mind is overwhelmed. I know in this world people will let us down constantly.. IN fact I will let people down. WE are human. I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince myself or others???? Passive-aggressive people really irritate me.. People who dance around topics because they don't want to be honest irritate me..... People who do not keep their word bother me.....People who claim they want to be involved with what is going on; but can't because of their "busyness" frustrates me.....
WHY?? WHY??? WHY??
Because THIS WAS ME! I manipulated every situation to get what I wanted, to have this false realization that I was on top and was controlling every situation around me.....
I thought the best way to bully others was to be passive-aggressive; as long as you were being MEAN in a NICE way and got what you wanted then what was there to loose?
I danced around topics because I didn't want to be honest.... My life was so busy; I tried to juggle everything I was involved with because I wanted to prove to others that I could handle A LOT... I could totally do MORE THAN anyone around me: I may not have had a college degree but I could dance circles around you... was my thoughts!! I got a high from seeing others be so fascinated with what I could do... The problem was I was able to do a lot of things but I couldn't do any of them well... I just simply couldn't! When You are doing so much that ALL You can do is complain about it..... YOUR DOING TOO MUCH!!! I would never call people back, I was late for appointments, never paid my bills, wanted to go to parties or events but couldn't because I had OTHER obligations..... I made un REAL expectations of MY LIFE, My FAMILY, my husband, my friends and everything around me...... "FALSE expectations will destroy a relationship... The relationship will not fall apart because of the other person; it will fall apart because of YOU"... My counselor said one afternoon as I was trying to distinguish why I had all this anger, bitterness and resentment locked inside of me.. All the while I envied, coveted and was jealous of those who, through my perspective, had it all TOGETHER... I was fighting to Have IT ALL TOGETHER!!!!
So YOU ASK WHY I'M annoyed???? Its because I'm also heart broken!!!! I see others carrying TOO MUCH of a load.... I see others JUGGLING.. they think they are handling all their responsibilities BUT THEY are not... in order to FEEL as if they have some order to their lives; in order to maintain some order or control they become manipulative and passive-aggressive!! I wonder if these people are in my lives to be a constant reminder of HOW I USED TO BE and HOW I sometimes can become! God delivered me from this and I don't want this stronghold to over take me again. But in the midst of watching others be so sad, broken, jealous.. How do I help them? I sit back and take it because until they are ready to hit rock bottom they will NOT be receptive to hear what people who care about them and love them have to say.... AND WHO AM I TO JUDGE????
I can not let MY convictions be someone Else's convictions.... and this is where I am at! Who am I to say that any of these people in my lives are doing anything wrong??? I am no ONE.... I sin EVERY DAY MYSELF.. I would NOT want someone pointing out all my faults as I am ashamed of them the way it is.....OR DO I????
But where is the LINE?
"You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see
clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
So this my desire that I will be honest in front of my accountability partners and God himself. I want to rid myself of the things that are not godly so that IF THE LORD will call me, I may go with boldness and share what has been laid on my heart...
2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature:
old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."
Colossians 3:8 "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage,
malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips"
FORGIVE ME for being so hypocritical and judgemental!! I am a sinner and I have fallen short.... My heart truly breaks but how do I handle it without sinning????