Tuesday, May 6, 2014
What if I don't feel Christ LIKE????
The other day I let my guard down. I had an incident happen that allowed me to reach my limit. I was angry, hurt, disrespected and offended. Frankly, I just didn't "feel Christ-like" I crawled into bed and began to sulk.
For months now, I had allowed small things to roll off my shoulder and pretend like it didn't bother me. Little by little each small thing begin to mount up and before I knew it, the burden of it all became a mountain. I was wounded, I had fallen and to be FRANK... I didn't want to get UP, at least for that moment!!!
I misconceived an action of another, which for me was the final straw. I pondered on why something so minute would bother me so much. The more I thought about it the more upset I got. I realized that there was a root to this problem. I had allowed personal boundaries to be walked on. I do not like confrontation, negativity or conflict for the matter; I felt the healthy way to deal with these matters were to "move on" & not deal with them.
I have been blessed with being relational, and seek out opportunities to encourage and build others up with the gift of friendship and hospitality, I feel close to Christ when I can see others through his eyes, using my strengths of positivity and empathy. But that night I lied in my bed seeking the truth. I was lost, and felt un useable. I did not want to show empathy, I did not want to be positive, I did not want to go through this!
As sure as I was having a pity party for one, a friend showed up on my door step. She had seen me earlier in the day and didn't accept the "I'm okay" that I quickly gave her as an excuse. After she allowed me to completely vent, and I was back in bed, questions bombarded my mind.... Questions like
Why do I feel this way?
Why have I allowed someone to make me feel this way?
Why do others have to be so controlling and selfish?
Why do I still have to be in the station that I am in?
What or where is our next direction in this journey we are on?
What do I need to learn from this?
Who should I talk to?
What have I done wrong?
Why do keep allowing others to overstep their boundaries with me?
Does God even still want to use me?
Am I making an impact?
Why? What? Where? Who? How? When?
I do know that in this world we will have trouble. But God has overcome this world for ME, for YOU!!
I don't have answers to some of my questions at this point, but I do know that when life throws a curve ball and knocks me down, I will get back up..(eventually) It may be slow, and it may be hard; but I have the hope that I do not have to be perfect for God's grace and faithfulness. I may not know all the questions to my situations, but I do have a God that loves me no matter what I am going through, even in "my" moments that I don't feel "Christ-Like"