Monday, July 21, 2014
I can't believe it's been a YEAR!!
Its hard to believe it has been a year since the passing of my mom... I can think back to a year ago when I got the call that she was unresponsive and heading to a hospital via a helicopter. My thoughts were running wild. She has had various health conditions before always proving to be nothing more than serious, but this time it was not the case. I remember in a moment of time how my world was spinning out of control. I am 900 miles away in the middle of Summer Camp putting 12-14 hours in daily. Guilt plagued my mind as we were leaving 4 spots vacant for the summer staff to juggle; but my heart needed to be with my family.
I think back year ago remembering the experience her death brought. We should have known she would fight,she has always been a fighter in more ways than one!! Her last fight for her life lasted several days but then on Sunday July 21st she went home to be with the Lord. Although that reunion for her was a happy one, we are left with the memories. Some happy ones, some sad, some not so good and some that are very good!!
Mom and I had been estranged emotionally for quite a few years. We allowed many things to build a wedge in the middle of our relationship; and yes we were both to blame! A few years back I took responsibility in the "victim role" I blamed her for many things, things I am not too proud of, but it was easier to do than to face my own insecurities and the fact that unless I wanted to change I needed to forgive and allow the healing to begin.
We moved away shortly so a close relationship was never meant to be with us; however as I have reflected today I remember some of the times she was there for me to support me and embrace me.....
Nineteen years ago (yes, my baby will be 19 in 10 days!!) I found out I was pregnant. I was scared, nervous and overwhelmed! I kept the secret for 5 1/2 months but then finally told my mom. Her reaction wasn't at all what I expected; although very disappointed, she embraced me, cried with me and agreed that she would help and support me....
Once I had my son, I needed someone to help me watch him so that I could finish school.. If it weren't for her I may not have graduated. I remember a specific time when I had exams, Kirk was extremely fussy that night and I couldn't get him to sleep. I tried everything... Mom was downstairs and heard me rocking him for countless hours, she came up and said she would stay up with him so I could get some sleep!!
Regretfully, I slowly pushed her away but always went to her in time of trouble. I remember a very sad time in my life, I had miscarried and didn't know who to go to or turn to so I went to my mom. I sat at the edge of the bed after telling her I needed to talk with her, after I told her she embraced me and cried with me... I can remember a very few times mom cried, she never liked to show her emotions but when she did it was because of the LOVE she had for her children...
She didn't do many things right, in fact most of how she parented was out of fear and anxiety, but we all have baggage and that was hers. One thing she did do right was LOVE HER FAMILY!!!!! After Mike and I moved to Nebraska, she began to send us "support checks" A very small amount but she lived off of nothing. It reminded me of the woman in the bible who gave her two pennies. It wasn't much but it was all she had!! I asked Mom why she was doing this and she shared with me something she had never before. She had always wanted to be a missionary but never had the opportunity because she raised a big family. I was overwhelmed with emotions when she shared this with me.. Once I was able to talk, I explained to her something she failed to see!! She was in ministry.. just at HOME! She raised 11 kids, many many grandchildren, did daycare for 10 years and helped with great grandchildren!!! Her sending us a check once a month was her way of believing in us!! She admired the fact that Mike and I was willing to take a risk, a leap of faith, to follow God's will for our lives.
I began to call her once a month so we could catch up and talk. The last couple of conversations are the fondest memories I have. While the family was back at home having last minute gatherings and taking pictures.. I have phone conversations. Although she never opened up the way I would have liked she did open up and I learned things about her I never knew! At times I would get frustrated as she had a way to turn every conversations into a health concern or problem about her. I have been in extreme amount of pain for three years and let me tell you it wears on you! I took our relationship, the time we had, and our conversations for granted; however over these last few days of reflection I learned something.... I am more like her than I ever wanted to be!!
I miss HER! I can't believe it's been a year. The memories pour in like a flood and I am thankful for them.. One of the biggest things I am thankful for his her desire to fight, and her love for the Lord. Her deepest desire was to see all of her children come to know the Lord in a personal way. As a mom, I understand that desire. I pray that my children continue their walk faithfully with him and that they will be obedient to God's calling on their live and that they live boldly for Christ!!