You are so beautiful
Can't you see
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful
I remember like it was yesterday having to tell my mom I was pregnant.....
I was 16 years old and 5 1/2 months pregnant when the time came to tell. I ended up getting strep throat and knew the doctors would ask being of that age. I didn't want my mom to find out like that so I asked to talk with her. For months questions plagued my mind like what was I going to do? And how would I raise a baby? How would I finish school? Anxiety and fear crippled my thoughts most days. I had found my one true love, Mike, and what would my mom do about our relationship? To me Mike was the most important thing in the world and I held on to that relationship until I couldn't no longer. I started wearing baggy shirts and sweat pants to hide my growing belly!!
The encounter with my mom went completely differently than I expected at first. She was instantly ready to support me although I had disappointed her. There was no question in her mind that I should have the baby. We grew up in a Christian home, apportion was NOT an option. However, as I said before when your thoughts are crippled you are not sure how to think. My friends at the time thought it would be in my best interest to either abort or give the baby away...
To make matters worse Mike was leaving for the military just before the baby was due. Reality settled in; would I have to raise this baby on my own? I did wander if Mike would end up leaving me? Would he be responsible and take care of him or would the military separate us making it easier for him to walk away?
It wasn't long before everyone knew about the pregnancy. It is definitely a sin that is for all to see!! Most days I tried to be excited but for the most of the pregnancy shame, quilt and fear were the majority of my emotions!! I remember having my first ultrasound and hearing life inside my womb.
|Ultrasound pictures were NOT as awesome 19 years ago!!|
The heartbeat was a beautiful sound. I think it allowed me to feel what I was afraid to feel, needless to say it was a very emotional time! A life growing inside of me, I was a kid myself but somehow I needed to become responsible to raise a child that the Lord was preparing for me to have. IT wasn't my idea to have him so early however;
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I spent the remainder of the pregnancy finding books and doing everything I could to educate myself on Parenthood. The more educated I became fear slipped away as I became more confident. With that however, came the criticism. People would come up to me all the time and plea their case as to why it would be in MY best interest to abort the baby or give him away...
IT was all my friends could handle when they realized I was series about keeping the baby, AND that I was going to NURSE that baby!! Looking back at that moment 19.5 years ago I kind of chuckle!! I am extremely grateful that I didn't allow those around me to influence me to make a decision I would have regretted!! Mike didn't end up going to the military and was elated to watch our first child be born!!
ON July 31st, 1995 I gave birth to an 8 lb. 4 oz. baby BOY!! My life changed forever in that moment in time! He was so beautiful! I now held the life that had grown inside of me. I looked at amazement at the tiny fingers and toes, his full head of hair, and how he was so precious! God had a plan for him then, and he has one for him now... We may not know what that is right now but today on his birthday I reflect over his life and can't imagine these 19 years being any different!! I am so blessed and proud to be called his MOM, and even though my life changed forever I would have never wanted it any other way!!!
|Grandma Tooman (my mom)|
|Nanna (my birth Mom) & G-ma Jan (Mike's Mom)|
|Pap-pap (my birth dad)|
|4 Generations: Great G-pa Solmen, Mike's Dad holding Kirk, and Mike|
|4 Generations: Kirk, Me, Pap-Pap & Grandma Tooman|
|Mike, Kirk & I (Kirk was one week old)|
|Daddy & son|
Here's the words to the letter written by Mike!!
To my first born child
I'll give the world; always to love and hold.
A baby boy just like me
with eyes of blue, smile sweet.
Though changes will rise in
our lives; my love for you
shall never die; the gift of love
with open arms; reaching out
to hold and comfort.
The world's your playground;
yours to conquer.. but I'll
always be there for my little boy!
If you need a shoulder to cry on,
even a friend just call on daddy...
I'll always be there; until the very end!!
I love you son...