It's hard to believe that TWO years ago, today, I wrote theses words:
Because we lived in a different state the last few months of my moms life we didn't have many opportunities to spend with her, but we had started talking on the phone. Looking back I am so fortunate to have had that opportunity. I would love to say we had an amazing relationship but we didn't. I was blessed to have had these conversations as I began to learn about someone I truly never got to know on a deeper level. It was on these phone calls that we began to tear down our walls and build a bridge with our relationship. I can't count how many times I ended the phone conversations with a lump in my throat as the emotions had swept over me. I was both appreciative of her revealing to me some of her fears, anxieties and hopes and dreams in life and yet angry that we had wasted so much time!
Mom did the best she could to raise the large family she had but unfortunately I never realized it until after she had passed. No one is perfect and I'm not sure why I had expected her to be? I would be absolutely crushed if my own children held deep resentment and grudges over my own mistakes, fears and anxieties. Mom showed on many occasions that her love was selfless. Her deep love for her children was overcome by her deepest fears. She never wanted her children to suffer from the mistakes she made. But because she tried on her own strength and power it strangely had the opposite effect on us. At the end of her life she realized this. Her deepest desire was for all her children to know the love of God and have a personal relationship with him. We all make mistakes and she realized some of hers. I only wished we would have had more time to build a better relationship. As I think of some of the wonderful times we had and the times she sacrificially, and selflessly put me or others first, I am overcome with emotions.
One of my best and favorite moments with my mom was when I was 17 years old and I had to tell her I was pregnant with my son. I was frighten and scared. I was just a child myself. I knew this was one of her fears that held her daughters so closely by her side. She did not want us to experience the rough life of beginning at such a young age. And here I was needing to tell her and not knowing the outcome of the situation. I had kept the secret for 5 months. When I finally told her she embraced me; it took me by surprise and we both fell over into a chair, and there we both wept for awhile. We had shared a moment of love together that was real. I longed for her to show me love, affection or emotions..... In this moment of time we shared it all. She continued to show support through out the duration of my pregnancy and stood by my side as we welcomed my beautiful son into this world. She sacrificed her schedule to watch him my last year of school so I could finish my high school year. It was soon thereafter that our relationship once again took a turn for the worse. We both build a wedge in between us and held each other at arms lengths away.
If I could tell anyone that struggles with a damaged relationship I would say....
Don't let pride, shame, fear and guilt get in the way of a relationship. Ask yourself what you have done to be personally responsible. Have your actions built a wall or have your actions built a bridge? Consequently, I have regrets for not doing my part. I saw how my mom could be in her positive ways, and in her negative ways. I choose to allow her negativity to cloud the positive and then believed a lie that our relationship wasn't worth being restored. I long to tell her that I LOVE some of the very things she loved like:
These very things could have bonded us and created special times that could have been great memories.
Romans 12:18 "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone"
I let too many years go by pridefully and shamefully refusing to see how we truly were a like and so many ways.
I am thankful for the restoration in our relationship right before she passed away. I am thankful to know she has no more pain, no more fear, no more anxiety. I am thankful that one day I will get to see her again.