Years ago when Mother's day would come around I hated going down the isles trying to find the perfect Mother's Day card. I actually dreaded it. My mom & I weren't close and it always seemed like the cards were very sentimental. I loved receiving gifts and spending time with my children, however, it is because of them I am a Mother. I am blessed to have three beautiful children.
My Mother passed away four years ago and how I wished I could turn back the time!
I was grateful that my grandmother adopted us. But the sense of belonging was so deep that our relationship could never make up for it and I had wounds that left behind scars. I look back and wish how our relationship would have been restored much sooner but that isn't the case. I am thankful that we were able to restore and forgive each other before her passing.
I never believed I would miss her so much. I see other mother/daughter relationships and so desire to have a mother. All I can do is pray the my own daughter and I will have a bonding, lasting relationship. My hearts desire is to leave a legacy of not only Christ love but the importance of a relationship. It's hard to know what that even looks like when I have not had much of a model in my life.
My mother did sacrifice for us as she adopted my siblings and I. She actually was my grandmother, who had 8 of her own biological children and took on the responsibility of 3 of her grandchildren. She loved us but she was so paralyzed with fear and anxiety which is how she ended up parenting. But I don't choose to focus on the negatives of our relationship but that of the positive.
If it weren't for her I would not have been able to finish high school since I had my son while in high school. For that I am so thankful.
If it weren't for her I would not have been raised in church, creating a foundation for my faith. For that I am so thankful.
When we went into ministry, I knew it was difficult for us not to mention our family as we had to leave behind everyone and everything we knew... We had been gone about 2.5 years when my mom & I started phone conversations. She wanted to start sending us support checks but I didn't want her to because she only lived off of social security and she was very sick and needed lots of medicine. She insisted and she shared something with me I had never known. She said she admired us for being obedient to the Lord, that she always wanted to be a missionary but 11 kids later it wasn't in her cards. For that she wanted to support us. I got off the phone and wept! I wept that I was admired by her, I had never been told that. I wept because she failed to see her own ministry that she truly didn't see her worth. I wept because I wanted to be like a little child and just be embraced in a mother's arms but wouldn't have the opportunity to do so.
When we received her first support check it was only $50.00 but it meant more to me than any amount of money because I knew it was a true sacrifice for her! I held onto that check for awhile because I truly didn't want her to sacrifice like that, but it blessed her for us to receive it and for that reason we used her money the best we could!
As our phone conversations escalated into monthly calls I started to expect those calls. Most times than not I would end up crying. I longed to have been told some of the things she told me over these phone calls. I never could respond back which is a regret I have.
When I got the call that she had a stroke it was during the summer, during the busiest time at summer camp, we were working 14 hours a day. It is near impossible to leave much less the entire family since we all had different responsibilities. My heart was torn but in the end I knew I needed to go home. I am so thankful for a camp family that steps up and covers 5 positions for a week so that we could go home! She was on life support and we didn't know how long we would have. We were on the road within an hour of the phone call to begin the 15 hour trip back home. We drove through the night and I begged that I would have a chance to express how I felt and to tell my mom I had forgiven her.
Nothing could prepare me for the moment I walked in the hospital room and she was still fighting. I barely could breath how was I going to express how I felt with the whole family standing around and she still fighting? After mom was pulled from life support she continued to fight so we all agreed it would be best to bring her home so she could pass peacefully in her own home. Because of that we were all given private moments with her. I'm sure each of the siblings have their own story with her; but when I had my moment and I expressed my feelings I looked at my mom and she had a tear streaming down her face. In the moment reconciliation was made.. peace was restored.. and grace was given.. and for that I am thankful.
So this Mother's Day I am thankful. I am thankful for my children and that I am a mother, but I also am thankful that my Mother did love me and that we had a few phone call conversations & a private moment before she passed that I will always cherish in my heart!
Happy Mother Day Mom
I know you are celebrating. I know you are sitting at the feet of Jesus. I know you are not paralyzed with fear no more. I know you do not live with anxiety no more. I know that you are no longer in pain. I know you are holding my two children I never got to meet and loving them so. I know that in the end you persevered so you received the crown of life that was promised to you.. because you Loved God... I know he called you to be a mother, grandmother and great grandmother and for that............. I am thankful!!!