Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I feel guilty!!

Photo: We made this blanket for my MOM as a gift for Christmas several years ago..now I hold onto as a memory!! 

All I have is a memory!!

I never thought it would be this hard.... I don't have much time to think about the passing of my mother; not sure if that is a good thing since I am a "stuffer" 

There are days I feel guilty:
I feel guilty because I didn't restore our relationship sooner
I feel guilty because I thought I had time
I feel guilty because there are days I don't think of her
I feel guilty because I should miss her more
I feel guilty because I should have tried harder
I feel guilty because I let my selfishness and pride get in the way
I feel guilty I wont allow myself to grieve
I feel guilty because there are times when I am angry 
I feel guilty because I hold on to a memory of what could have been
I feel guilty because I miss her
I feel guilty because I am sad
I feel guilty because no matter my feelings


Sunday, September 15, 2013

Pain: we can use it or waste it (Part 2)!!


After I listened to the sermon by Rick Warren I really started pondering on my current situation.

My physical pain is used to tempt me to cause me give up.  Trust me there are those dark moments when I really want to give up.. Times are tough, the pain is overbearing, I have really had to learn new limitations, I have had to deal with weight gain... the list goes on... BUT, I can use the Pain or waste the pain.  There is no where I would rather be except in the will of God.. This is part of his plan for me and I will except it!

I pray for deliverance but while I wait I pray for strength.. fresh and anew!
Yes I am weak but God's spirit is inside of me... I will NOT be defeated!!
I will call upon the LORD and he will answer me......

During these last two years of physical pain I HAVE FOUND the LORD.. I have experienced his PEACE, his LOVE, his GRACE, his COMPASSION, his LOVE, his FORGIVENESS... There was a time I ran from God; because he was too much for me... I would NOT exchange this time if this is what it took or takes to keep me grounded in LOVE.  I may walk the deepest and darkest valleys at times; but I am not alone!!!

Hillsong "Where feet May Fail"
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine


Pain: We can use it or waste it!! (Part 1)


Yesterday Mike jumped the jeep and decided to drive it to camp (we now think it's just the battery) I met him later in the day so we could eat dinner. We ended up going down to the outside chapel and just sitting there and talking until it got dark.  What a wonderful moment; it was almost as if time stood still!! After our moment we decided to drive home.. I was following Mike. He had gotten away from me as I had to wait longer to pull out on 77..... In the distance I can see blue/red sirens and to our dismay Mike had been pulled over!!
I drove past and started to pray; we have heard that a ticket is outrageous here in Nebraska!! I didn't think he was speeding so all I could do is hope for some mercies... I got home unloaded the suburban; still worried on how things were going back with Mike and then it happened. I stepped onto the porch steps, they were slippery, and I fell. I tried to catch myself, but failed and back down I went!! My wrist, knee & back just throbbed. I tried to be brave as I needed to share the information with the kids for everyone to pray for the situation. Most of you would understand that importance of this; we simply do not have extra income, which is the very reason we drive trying to obey all the rules!!!
Lyvvie ran into the house to get the boys which they came out immediately.  A boy on each side of me to help me in the house.   (Oh, how I love having two boys!!! ) They asked what happened, I started to cry!!
Kirk got me some ice for my back and we waited for Mike.....
Mike came in, he was extremely upset.... We have tried so long to get the jeep to run, we got it started and off Mike went without considering the fact our plates were FIVE MONTHS expired!!!! He had NO PROVE of insurance or registration in the vehicle AND HE HAD a headlight OUT!!!!!
Needless to say he was not a happy camper when he walked in the door... Looking back I am so thankful we had that moment of serenity and peace as we had no idea what was about to happened. I am not sure why when one bad thing happens it puts us in a tail spin of pity party and maybe it's just me who goes through this... Instantly, I was feeling defeated; My back was throbbing and I had this huge burden in front of us.. Then, the whole pity party for one began.. and I went to bed!!!
I woke up this morning and decided that I was not going to let this get me down. Remember one of my them songs currently is "Overcomer" by Mandisa... So I began to listen to it!! I turn to music for inspiration.  We missed church since Mike is hosting at Camp so we took the opportunity to sleep in.  Rick Warren now has his sermons online, they play on the hour. So we gathered in the room to listen to a sermon ( I highly recommend listening he is an amazing Pastor)
Here are the notes I took based on HIS sermon:
God has 5 purposes for your life
*Know & Love Him (worship)
*Love other people (Fellowship)
*Grow up spiritually (Discipleship)
*Practice serving (Ministry)
*Mission ( Life Message)
God uses PAIN to fulfill these purposes; often times we do not cooperate with his plan so we waste it

Galatians 3:4 "You suffered so much because of the Good News you received. Was this all of no use?"
                                    Have you grown from your pain or have you wasted it? 
            Five ways that you can USE your PAIN
*1) I can USE my pain to draw closer to God
           a.  We will either run TO God or Away from God
           b. 2 Corinthians 1:8-10 " We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,[a] about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us"
*2) I can USE my pain to draw closer to others
         a. Suffering sensitizes you
         b. 4 levels of fellowship
              sharing, studying, serving, suffering
*3) I can USE my pain to become like Jesus
        a. Grow in Character (showing fruits of spirit)
        b. Choice: You can choose to become bitter or better
        c. If we are supposed to be "like Christ" then we will go through the same thing Christ went through... God does not exempt anyone.   Jesus was lonely, maligned, judged, tired, tempted, suffered, and went through pain.  So WE ARE going to go through the same times.
The difference between those who will "win" verses those who will "lose" is Resilience.
Resilience-The ability to bounce back (determination)
       d. 2 Corinthians 7:11 "And now, isn’t it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You’re more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you’ve come out of this with purity of heart. And that is what I was hoping for in the first place when I wrote the letter. My primary concern was not for the one who did the wrong or even the one wronged, but for you—that you would realize and act upon the deep, deep ties between us before God. That’s what happened—and we felt just great"
  e.) The answer to resilience is perspective
            1.) Do you have the perspective of eternity?
            2.) or do you have the perspective of the worldly view?
Christ endured the suffering on the cross because his eyes was fixed on the reward!!
*4) I can use my pain to help others
       a. God says its the highest use when we use our pain to turn our focus and refocus on others
       b. 2 Corinthians 1: 4-6 "who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer"
       c. Don't hide your hurt; Let God utilize it to help others
*5) I can use my pain to witness to the world
      a. Highest form of witnessing is in our pain
      b. prosperity vs adversity
          1.Suffering gives creditability not our fame, fortune or successes.
          2.Fame does not earn faithfulness; Standing through hard times faithfully gives you creditability
      c. Philippians 1:2 "May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace"
      d. 2 Corinthians 4:6 "For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light" shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
      **The greatest witness of God's love was the suffering of Jesus on the cross**