Tuesday, July 21, 2015

One day I will see her again!!!

It's hard to believe that TWO years ago, today, I wrote theses words:
"Nothing can prepare you for the exact moment but after a LONG FIGHT mom went home to be with the LORD!!! She is dancing in glory...."
Because we lived in a different state the last few months of my moms life we didn't have many opportunities to spend with her, but we had started talking on the phone. Looking back I am so fortunate to have had that opportunity.  I would love to say we had an amazing relationship but we didn't.  I was blessed to have had these conversations as I began to learn about someone I truly never got to know on a deeper level. It was on these phone calls that we began to tear down our walls and build a bridge with our relationship. I can't count how many times I ended the phone conversations with a lump in my throat as the emotions had swept over me.  I was both appreciative of her revealing to me some of her fears, anxieties and hopes and dreams in life and yet angry that we had wasted so much time!
Mom did the best she could to raise the large family she had but unfortunately I never realized it until after she had passed.  No one is perfect and I'm not sure why I had expected her to be? I would be absolutely crushed if my own children held deep resentment and grudges over my own mistakes, fears and anxieties.   Mom showed on many occasions that her love was selfless. Her deep love for her children was overcome by her deepest fears.  She never wanted her children to suffer from the mistakes she made. But because she tried on her own strength and power it strangely had the opposite effect on us. At the end of her life she realized this.  Her deepest desire was for all her children to know the love of God and have a personal relationship with him.   We all make mistakes and she realized some of hers. I only wished we would have had more time to build a better relationship.  As I think of some of the wonderful times we had and the times she sacrificially, and selflessly put me or others first,  I am overcome with emotions. 

One of my best and favorite moments with my mom was when I was 17 years old and I had to tell her I was pregnant with my son.  I was frighten and scared. I was just a child myself.  I knew this was one of her fears that held her daughters so closely by her side.  She did not want us to experience the rough life of beginning at such a young age. And here I was needing to tell her and not knowing the outcome of the situation.  I had kept the secret for 5 months. When I finally told her she embraced me; it took me by surprise and we both fell over into a chair, and there we both wept for awhile. We had shared a moment of love together that was real.  I longed for her to show me love, affection or emotions..... In this moment of time we shared it all.  She continued to show support through out the duration of my pregnancy and stood by my side as we welcomed my beautiful son into this world. She sacrificed her schedule to watch him my last year of school so I could finish my high school year.   It was soon thereafter that our relationship once again took a turn for the worse. We both build a wedge in between us and held each other at arms lengths away. 

If I could tell anyone that struggles with a damaged relationship I would say....

Don't let pride, shame, fear and guilt get in the way of a relationship.   Ask yourself  what you have done to be personally responsible. Have your actions built a wall or have your actions built a bridge?  Consequently, I have regrets for not doing my part. I saw how my mom could be in her positive ways, and in her negative ways. I choose to allow her negativity to cloud the positive and then believed a lie that our relationship wasn't worth being restored.  I long to tell her that I LOVE some of the very things she loved like:

*Joyce Meyers
*Karen Kingsbury

These very things could have bonded us and created special times that could have been great memories.  

Romans 12:18 "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone"

I let too many years go by pridefully and shamefully refusing to see how we truly were a like and so many ways.

I am thankful for the restoration in our relationship right before she passed away.  I am thankful to know she has no more pain, no more fear, no more anxiety. I am thankful that one day I will get to see her again.

The Love for His Children

This guy is a senior this year!! My oldest son choose not to do the college path so I did not have to worry about such things and yet I still feel as if I am overwhelmed with what needs done.

~Register for A.C.T
~Sign up for our umbrella school
~Search for scholarship applications & grants
~Not to mention plan his final year out with the last few credits he needs to receive
~Familiarize ourselves with our new homeschool co-op
~Plan his graduation
~Take senior pictures
~etc. etc. etc.

I feel overwhelmed and need to remind myself that God has plan for Him.
During service on Sunday the pastor was talking about LOVE

Love can be pure but it also can be tainted.  It can become and idol, and idol becomes a demon and a demon destroys us.

James 1:14 "but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death"

An example that he used was the overbearing parent. We start out loving our children and its pure.. But then selfishness gets in the way caused by fear and anxiety to let them go no matter the cost.  That struck a cord with me.  I witnessed this within my own childhood and wanted to be free from it; and yet, in my own way I realized for many years I was parenting out of fear, which is selfishness.  The opposite of selfishness is being selfless which is what pure love is.

Are we prepared to trust the design and path God has prepared for our children  no matter the cost??

My heart both rejoices and aches at times knowing that one day our children will have their own life and need to make decisions based on what they believe will be the best interests for them; but it also aches to know that life will be full of pain, disappointments, trials and challenges.

James 1:2 "Consider it a pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything"

I tried to quiet my anxiety as I was filling out all the paper forms and making a list of what needs to be accomplished.  A still, small voice whispered to my heart... 

"The love you have for your children doesn't begin to compare for the love that I have for them"

A Father loves his children so much that he lay down His life for us.....

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" 

Image result for Jesus on the cross with his arms stretched out and says i love you this much

We can not fathom how good God's love is for us.. We can only try to understand how deep that love is because of the love we have for our own children.  I love my children so much that I want that love to be pure and not tainted with my own insecurities, fears, or selfishness.... I want to put my trust and hope in a Father that loves me so much that he would lay down his life for me.  He has already written a plan out for not only my sons and daughter but for all HIS CHILDREN....

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I KNOW the plans I HAVE FOR YOU, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Our new camper!!

Sorry for the mess we are still trying to organize...

Update on how we are doing:
~We are loving the campground. In fact, we have decided to stay through the summer for now. (But you never know ;)) The kiwi is a perfect size for a family to camp for a weekend or week but to "live" in it is challenging. 
For fun we went and looked at some campers at an R.V. center last weekend. We quickly fell in love with the trail runner but found out it was way out of our price range, so we walked away. By the time we got home they had called to offer us a lower price with our trade in. We said we would consider the offer but would need to sleep on it. The next morning I didn't have peace about the decision so I started to search on craigslist. We found the exact camper (or so we thought) and decided to go look at it. Needless to say we purchased it for alot less than what the R.V place was offering AND it's a year newer!!
We are trying to get situated and learn about our new camper.  That's the worse part.. I could NOT believe how much "stuff" we had in the "kiwi" But after a couple days we are finally almost organized!!
~My back has been doing great. I have been so blessed with being able to swim in the pool on these very hot days.. I have even started walking down to the pool, which isn't far, as much as I can!! :)
I have tried for over two weeks to find a PCP due to my prescriptions running out.  I take 3 dosages of Gabapentin, but the last two days I have only been able to take 1 dose per day. I also take blood pressure medicine. I will be out of that in a few days. I finally have an appointment tomorrow to see a doctor.
~I went up to Knoxville again today to share lunch and God's love with the homeless friends in the area.
~All in all we are all doing great!!

A few things to be in prayer about:
~Mike is going to apply for his contractors license. There is a test that he has to take.
~Continued prayers for my back
~Job for the boys while they wait to start building tiny homes
~Continued direction and guidance

We want to thank you all for the continued prayers and support!!! ♡♡♡